Somewhere out there in the vast emptiness of space lies Planet Popstar. On that planet stands a dome-shaped home nestled away in the country of Dreamland. Aptly named for its beauty, trouble is known to fall over the land now and again. But every time a wicked nemesis fights for influence over the land, you can count on one intrepid pink puffball with a wallop of a punch to swoop in and liberate his homeland.
That valorous lionheart is none other than Kirby. We at Stropse recently had the pleasure of sitting down with Kirby to get to know what makes him tick.
Good afternoon, Kirby. I want to start by saying thank you so much for visiting with me today.
So, how are you liking Earth these days?
Yes, you did choose somewhat of a bad time to visit. But Earth certainly has a lot going for it wouldn’t you agree?
Well from what I’ve gathered, you’re a well-traveled…well…what exactly are you?
It sounds like you’re saying “pollo.” Which in Spanish — one of the wide-spoken languages on Earth — means “chicken.” Are you trying to tell me you’re a “chicken”? I’m going to be honest, Kirby, unless chickens are Little Debbie Pink Snowballs, you are not a chicken.
[Now exhibiting frustration, Kirby begins pointing at his mouth] Poyo! Yuh! Poyo!
Oh! Are you hungry? Was there not food in the green room? I heard you like tomatoes. Would you like some? I can make that happen.
[I turn to shout into the green room for someone to bring in snacks]
Hey, will some…HEY!
[Kirby inhales my pencil]
Um, okay. I have to say, you have an odd taste in food. There are plenty of dishes around the world that are superior to a meal of Ticonderogas. You really should head to the state of Wisconsin and try a Culver’s Butterbu…OW!
[Kirby fires my pen from his gaping mouth, piercing my forearm]
[Intermission for sutures and bandage]
Alright, Kirby. Maybe we started off on the wrong foot. Let me ask you this: how’s the love life? I would assume such a hero would have lifeforms across the universe pining for a date with the titular pink hue hunk.
[Raises eyebrows and winks] Pow, pow, smash!
Haha, I’m flattered. But please, Kirby, let’s keep this at least PG-13. Our readers are of a large age range. Plus, I’m taken.
[Looks at studio manager, Dan and winks] Ow owwww!
Let’s get back to you, Kirby. You have plenty of friends in the Nintendo universe, but you’re also foes with them, correct? You’re part of the famed Super Smash Bros. series. Is it hard to go head-to-head with your comrades?
[Pulls out crown and sword and begins slashing the air] KAH! AAIIIIYYAAHHHHH! OOOYYYEEAAAHHHHH!
Well that certainly was a show! Are you always training to stay in shape?
Would you care to elaborate? What does your regimen look like?
[Kirby pulls out a yo-yo out of his mouth and proceeds to “walk the dog”] …
Am I boring you? We can talk about something else if you’d like. How about we cover the subj… OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[Kirby has now inhaled Dan the studio manager]
LET HIM GO!
[Kirby laughs and spits Dan into 10 bushels of tomatoes]
Dan: I’m okay!
Okay, Kirby. I apologize if I have offended you at any point. I’m really just trying to get to know the real you. The people want to know what Kirby is doing when he isn’t saving the universe.
Well, you’ve been quite the jokester today, Kirby. And I can see how you bring joy to the masses. But I’m afraid we are about to run out of time. Maybe we can arrange another interview in the future? I’ll make sure our schedules are more conducive to one another. I know you’ve got a few scheduled fights coming up. What do you say?
*yawns but finishes with a smile I cannot figure out* Bye.
Well, I thank you for your time today. You’ve been…interesting, to say the least. I do hope we can find more to talk about next time.
[I stand to shake Kirby’s…nub? He reciprocates but says nothing.]
[A stare commences between the two of us]
[I break it and begin to walk away]
Mr. Hildebrandt, I am oh so gracious to have been heralded by your hefty subordinate, Dan. The human capacity to communicate over multiple galaxies is tremendous; kudos to your kind for such advanced technology.
As for another chewing of the fat, a palaver, a shooting of the breeze; I would certainly relish in another sparkling dialogue in the near future. As a pink-shaded interstellar traveler, I find Earth and its inhabitants to be polarizing. Overall, I find you to be a peculiar species.
As for a love life, I find little time between pummeling Meta Knight and catching myself from plummeting to an early expiration against Yoshi and Shamus to court any celestial being I would possibly be interested in. I train, I eat, I fly, I yo-yo.
Wait, you have to be kidding me…
NOW you can talk?
[Gives perfunctory nod and clicks with the right corner of his mouth] Bye.
Needless to say, the interview had its ups and downs. Maybe we caught Kirby on an off day; he was much like a Sour Patch Kid for most of the interview. We laughed, we shouted, and oddly enough, I think I was hit on. Regardless, I can’t say the interview was all for naught: for the first time ever, the public has an idea of who the real Kirby is — at least for today.